Things romantic comedies teach us from time to time.
If you’re a dick (Justin Long) you will be surrounded by girls that you can dismiss and summon at will, no matter what you have done, but you will change throughout the course of the film and understand that life lived in such a way is hollow and grim and spiritually defunct. And you will end up with an attractive (Ginnifer Goodwin - for the daft purposes of the film, supposedly not that great to look at) woman that talks too much in a kind of fake-neurotic splutter of inanities.
If you are a nice guy (Kevin Connolly, understandably not that into an irritatingly winsome Ginnifer Goodwin) you will eventually get the girl but only after she has had her fill of some dick. You will not understand that you are merely being used as comfort-fodder while she still pines for married loser (see below). Not to worry though - you will realise all this just in time and end up with faghag Drew Barrymore.
If you (Jennifer Connelly) are married to a dick (Bradley Cooper) that is considering having an affair with buxom siren (Scarlett Johansson, and it will obviously happen), and possibly also ‘failing to commit’ to having kids, your marriage is doomed but you will get your revenge and the adulterous husband will possibly end up looking wistfully into streets filled with happy couples that have slow-motion sun-kissed children in tow, contemplating what he coulda won and musing on the tatters that are his life. Hoho.
If you are Jennifer Aniston we will unfathomably be expected to believe that you have a disastrous love-life. Like that isn't all some publicity campaign designed to keep her wares nice and touted when her career ended with Friends. You can't fool me!
If you are a nice guy (Kevin Connolly, understandably not that into an irritatingly winsome Ginnifer Goodwin) you will eventually get the girl but only after she has had her fill of some dick. You will not understand that you are merely being used as comfort-fodder while she still pines for married loser (see below). Not to worry though - you will realise all this just in time and end up with faghag Drew Barrymore.
If you (Jennifer Connelly) are married to a dick (Bradley Cooper) that is considering having an affair with buxom siren (Scarlett Johansson, and it will obviously happen), and possibly also ‘failing to commit’ to having kids, your marriage is doomed but you will get your revenge and the adulterous husband will possibly end up looking wistfully into streets filled with happy couples that have slow-motion sun-kissed children in tow, contemplating what he coulda won and musing on the tatters that are his life. Hoho.
If you are Jennifer Aniston we will unfathomably be expected to believe that you have a disastrous love-life. Like that isn't all some publicity campaign designed to keep her wares nice and touted when her career ended with Friends. You can't fool me!
If you are a voluptuous sex-magnet homewrecker you will end up taking second-best nice guy as penance for your sins, even though we know that you would have countless affairs beyond the credit roll. You will ultimately realise that you’re Scarlett Johansson so why tie yourself down?
If you are surrounded by gay people you will be fine in the end. And you will get the funniest scene in the film. And everything will be alright again. Until next year when you have to do it all again with Seth Rogen, Lisa Kudrow and Channing Tatum.
If you are Ben Affleck you will lazily steal the film whilst watching your dented stock rise in order to do a ‘substantial’ film like Matt’s been doing, and you will flounder in it. Again.
If you are Luis Guzman you will have a small role in it just to keep up your stat of being in 13% of all films made since 1997.
95% of all romantic comedies are terrible, saccharine, smug, self-righteous, bickersome, trivial trash. But you will still watch them if the cast is half-decent. They know this.
If you are surrounded by gay people you will be fine in the end. And you will get the funniest scene in the film. And everything will be alright again. Until next year when you have to do it all again with Seth Rogen, Lisa Kudrow and Channing Tatum.
If you are Ben Affleck you will lazily steal the film whilst watching your dented stock rise in order to do a ‘substantial’ film like Matt’s been doing, and you will flounder in it. Again.
If you are Luis Guzman you will have a small role in it just to keep up your stat of being in 13% of all films made since 1997.
95% of all romantic comedies are terrible, saccharine, smug, self-righteous, bickersome, trivial trash. But you will still watch them if the cast is half-decent. They know this.
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